Board Thread:OC Discussion/@comment-24947676-20151209182748/@comment-25990213-20151209185028

CrystaltheCool wrote: Hello and welcome to this series in which I review all of Skittylover3's OCs! All of which are... Not very good, to say the least. We'll start with her first OC; Pinku Hato.

NOTE: Info taken from here.

To get some background for this review and reviews in the future, basically what happened is that people didn't feel like RPing here on the fanon wiki, so they RPed on the canon wiki instead. Unfortunately, the rules on what constitutes as a Sue in those RPs are... very loose.

And that's why I'm reviewing these OCs.

Anyway, let us begin. My commentary will be in bold parenthesis.

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Name : Pinku Hato (Wait, so your name means Pink Pigeon? That's a shitty name.)



Age: 18 (Alright, fair enough. 18-year-olds can be in Akademi, after all...)

Crush: Mai Waifu, Senpai & Rin (To clarify, no, she does not mean Kagamine Rin. She means some other person's OC named Ren. At least nine other OCs of hers also has a crush on Ren. That or she means some other person's OC named Rin, but I can't seem to figure it out, so let's move on.)

Club: Cooking (Alright, fair enough. It's an actual club in the game and, judging by her appearance, a club that she'd probably be in.)

Class:1-2 (Dude, only 16-year-olds can be in 1-2.)

Persona: Anti-Hero - Borrowed from the fanon wikia. Anti-Heroes are not above committing typically "evil" actions, such as murder, although their intentions are good hearted. They will try and restrain a murderer, interrogate them, and if the answer is reasonable to them, then they will no longer pester the murderer. If not? They will act in similar ways to the Hero persona, but instead of sending you to prison, they'll try to kill you. ( 2nd persona psychotic) (Why, thank you for borrowing something from us! But the psychotic thing is just a Hero but actually wants to kill you, minus interrogation. Also, it's not possible to have two personas at once! And... Why is it that Pinku's persona (and personality) completely contrast from her appearance?)

Personality: She is sweet and bubbly normally, but she can be quite cruel for the greater good. (Seems contradictory.) She is not afraid to do dangerous things if she thinks what's she doing is right. Because of this, she can be very harsh on those she suspects, but to those she doesn't she is very nice. (So, she's bipolar?) The contrast between these two things can freak people out, but she's still at least justice-minded and trustworthy. (I wouldn't trust her.) She's a ditz and gets bad grades, but she still tries hard at what she does. Teachers appreciate the hard work, but are strict on her nonetheless. (Well, I guess that makes sense, at least.) She's a pervert and lusts after Senpai, as well as other people. (Whore.) However, she won't do anything bad to them and just loves to observe. She knows her boundaries. (I don't think so, considering her persona.) This character is kind of tough, but not the strongest. She can hold her own in a battle for a short while, but she just can't fight for long. (Behold, the cute, adorable, Pinku Hato! Who will bloody kill you!) She has difficulty wielding heavy weapons but is great with long-ranged ones and has great accuracy. (Why detail this?) Her butcher knifes (*Knife's) name is sasha. (So she talks to inanimate objects? She's crazy.) She stalks mai when not talkng to her friends (Why is there no full stop here?)

slaughty (I think you mean "slutty".)

she is a murderous sosiopath (Duh.) h***bent (To clarify, she means hellbent.) on killing those who hurt her other side and so many others  (So she has either schizophrenia or split-personality disorder. That explains a lot.)

Background: her parent's where killed (Cliche, much?) by a rouge police officer that went insane (answer to why she dosent go and run to the police instead) she joined a gang they hurt her when she attempted to do the right thing, so then she was a street rat while she was she was r**** (To clarify, she means "raped". Also, fuck you for even including rape in in this backstory.) cut beaten, while on the street she cared for children some of whom her own (via r***) (Fuck you.) but they all died from starvation or sickness ,1 was eaten by a savage dog, she also things stolen from her. eventually she found a adoption home she was adopted and sent to academi high. (You misspelled the school she goes to. It's Akademi.) she has a teddy bear that helped her though tough times. (I don't think that teddy bear helped her when she was raped, beaten, etc.) in her time as a street rat she turned into a masochist also she was turned bipoler (I guess that confirms my suspicions, but you don't just "turn" bipolar. It's with you your whole life, moron.) she was not always like this and can be fixed (No it can't. You can treat it, but it doesn't go away.) if given a happy life pinku or if she is excersised currently has two souls in her body (Not possible.) not one two she used to have one but while on the streets another came in (Again, not possible. What actually happened was that her unrealistically traumatizing experience caused an extreme change in her brain, which is why she goes kookoo.)

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So, that was... Pinku Hato, I guess.

Alright, so, the big problem here is the BACKSTORY. Oh dear Madokami, the backstory...

It's so unrealistically cliche and dark that it instantly turns Pinku into a Sue. The whole two-souls-one-body thing also counts.

What I'd suggest is changing your OC's class from 1-2 to either 3-1 or 3-2 (or keep her class 1-2 and change her age to 16), change her persona to something like Coward or Fragile, remove anything that makes her seem bipolar (y'know, make her sweet and kind, like her appearance), make her less slutty and more confused as to who she loves the most, and make her backstory more like any ordinary person's backstory.

Good day, and I do hope you improve. (Also, take the Yandere Simulator Mary Sue Litmus Test in the future.) i ment slaughty as in slaghter her other personality